you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
