There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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