Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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