I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
