He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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