you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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