marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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