He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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