Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
