I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
