First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize