Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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