sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
