You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
