I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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