I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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