I wanna bring you to show and tell
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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