They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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