My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
