You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
