I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
