Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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