Princesses don't give blow jobs
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
