end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
