This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
