Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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