Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
