Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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