kristin has been a bad kristin
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
