y did u give ur computer a hand job?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
