So drunk its hurt
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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