i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
