I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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