im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
