Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
