Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
