Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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