you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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