I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
