At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
