I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
