last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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