If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
