For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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