You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
