Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My first STD was from a foam party
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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