She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
