Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So much rum. So many feels.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
