I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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