Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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