dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
