when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
third nipple confirmed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
