We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
