anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
