Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
