she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Boobs speak an international language.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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