I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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